Hurt

I'm hurt.. very much hurt.. time and time again that person yelled at me and said the most hurtful things anyone could ever say to another. About my character, my personality, my friends, my family, my fears, my thoughts, my work, my hobbies, and even my looks. I tolerated it, although most often than not, I answered back or ran away and hide. But that didn't stop the hurt. I thought that by being offensive, it would be my best defense to feel less hurt. But again, that didn't stop the hurt.

I gave everything, mentally and emotionally. I brought down my guards and walls slowly by slowly over the years.. My safety barriers. It might have felt good at some point, but later on I realised it was only used against me. I kept telling myself, I won't be able to find someone better. He loves me, I guess he probably did.. But not the kind of love I was looking for.. I wanted free, neverending, eternal, supportive, warm, trusting, comforting, carefree love. It was more of hot, lustful, cold, bitter, sweet, restrained, obliged, bonded love. He had expectations, its not that I never did. I think I did loved him for who he was but I just needed space, trust, and the freedom to be myself. He compared me to other women and wanted me to be more like them. Maybe its a valid expectation for some people, but it just hurts. I'm not loved for who I am but for what I am expected to be.

I value someone who is responsible, caring, understanding, faithful, trustworthy, which I do find he is at times. But, all that goes away when he gets angry and he lets it out on me. I then run to my friends which always backfires because they tell me things I didn't want to hear. So I chose not to hear. It just kept hurting and hurting. There were many times even when feeling hurt, I'd be hoping he would just say sorry so I could just run back to his arms. But again, more often that not, I was left dissappointed that I still ran back and just tried to forget the hurting inside.

I tried and I tried, but the hurting kept coming back with more painful words said. One whole week of torture, crying every night without fail because that person had hurt me and had been silent for a week. I was lost, and I was hurt. I had no idea what was going on. I thought he would say sorry for hurting me. I wanted him to say sorry and that he will never do that again. I was hoping and I was just waiting to run back to him. Just waiting. But it never happened, he was now angry at me for having a male friend to turn to.

14.07.11- I read a post on LoveGivesMeHope... I teared, I just wanted to call him and tell him how upset and angry I was.. I was thinking that just maybe....just maybe... he hasn't figured it out..




But... that's when it ended.

I would have ran back to him, if he just said sorry. I really would have....

Finally, I realised it... It hit me so hard in the head and in my heart. He didn't hurt me, he never did. It was me. Yes, me all along. I hurt myself. I kept slitting my wrist deeper and deeper. I allowed myself to experience that pain, if it wasn't for me, it wouldnt have happened. If only I had love myself more and treated myself better. It wasn't his fault nor anyone else just me and only me..

I don't want to see him anymore. It would just remind me of the wounds on my wrist. My 3 and a half year old wounds... "It wasn't supposed to end this way, I was supposed to be happy....." WRONG!



Love yourself more, Shaleni. You deserve a better you.

Something old-

Some old post I didnt post for some reason in the past- since, its here in my draft, why don't I just post it.. Might just help me understand meself better... As for the last part, I hope so TOO! LOL

Guys Think You're Easy to Be With... But Not Easy

You're definitely a flirt - and a good one. But you also know that you shouldn't make a move on any cute guy who passes by. You save your seductive moves for someone who already knows the real you. That way, your sex appeal is just part of the whole package.

You Are a Natural Beauty!

You're the kind of beauty that every guy dreams about... One that looks good in the morning - without a stich of makeup That's doesn't mean you're a total hippie chic though You have style, but for you, style is effortless

You Are a Tiny Tease

You like to flirt and show off your body, but what confident woman doesn't. You enjoy male attention, and you're usually pretty good at not leading men on. However, there are times when you get carried away with your sexy behavior. It's okay to use your amazing flirting powers for good - but never for evil!

You'll Find Love Where You Least Expect It

You're the type most likely to find love... surprised? You shouldn't be! You're a fun, independent woman who is always out and about. And you're smart to sometimes leave your girlfriends behind and go it alone. Men love to approach you when you're out by yourself - including Mr. Perfect!

Where Will You Find Love?

Blast from the past..

Below is an entry I posted ages ago, on 22.01.2007.. N looking at that, I STILL have to work on those in the to-do list and I am pretty much satisfied with what I don't want to change in my 2nd list.. How crazy is that?! LOL 4 years plus ago I've already identified my issues.. but the down side, I haven't really worked on all of it yet.. Pretty much all are still Work In Progress.. yikess..

You Are Confident and Secure

You are practically immune to insecurity and self doubt. You're comfortable with who you are, and if someone doesn't like you - that's not your problem. Some people think you're too confident, but that's just their insecurities shining through. Your confidence carries you through your worst moments, because you know you'll always come out fine.

Are You Insecure?

im actually getting a teeeny weeny bit worried now that i might be too confident... which could backfire actualy... for instance.... i seem to be soo happy where i am and how i am now i don't really wanna change... but actually i should especially to fix my weaknesses... but...

do i wanna change?

........................................................................................................................................................................

what do i wanna change of myself?

1. to be less lazy
   
2. to cut the word 'procrastinate' out off my dictionary
   
3. to cut short my bumming around time
4. to SLEEP less
5. to study more
6. to read the newspapers on a daily basis
   
7. i want to be more dedicated to God
   
8. i don't want to give in to temptation anymore
   
9. i want to lead a healthier life.. exercise more,drink more water,eat more fruits (su zhen will be proud of me)
10. to overcome my ridiculous fears
    

i guess to all that i do wanna change or should i say alter myself..

to be better.... to be more efficient.. to succeed....

but to the other stuff... like my personality,my independence,my thinking,my character...
i don't wanna change... but to a certain extend i am worried that at the rate of how i'm living my life... i'll not be able to achieve certain goals i want to achieve in life...


the stuff that i don't wanna change bout myself now..

1. my independence
2. my numbness
3. my character
4. my single life

the reason why i don't wanna change..

i don't see any reason for me to change...

i guess ill just wait and will change when i actually find a reason(s) to change...
till then cheers...


*back to studying chem5*

Fast forward to 2011

Gosh, thanks to my bro, I remembered this long lost blog of mine. Its been like almost 4 years since I last updated/even posted on my blog. I guess its that time again when I find comfort in blogging and just speaking my mind and pouring out what's in my heart.
Very sadly as my previous posts will tell, I tend to only update/write on my blog when I'm not feeling very positive or something big just dropped on me.. like something life-changing..

Now its 2011, hmm where did I left off? hmmm....
In a nutshell, I started my degree in 2007, met a lot of new people, stumbled and had loads of hiccups in my academic results, made even more awesome and life-long friends, had a new love interest, graduated in the UK, started work, bought my own crib, driving my dad's old car, and re-sitting my clp for the 2nd time.

And how do I feel about all that? Sweet with a cube of bitterness especially in the after taste.
I thought I had it all figured, I thought I met the man of life (again- LOL), I thought I'd finally met a true bestfriend (again), I thought I'd not have anymore family problems (again), I thought I'd be much more happier, and with more freedom to do anything my heart desires with financial independence (most of the time-except when I have debts I totally disagree), I thought I can fly like a bird and just run away from all my problems (no-way hosay!), and I thought that most learning stops after u've graduated(big big mistake)..That pretty much sums up what I've learned.

What I am today that I am proud of- I am definetely a much better person and a much wiser one and also a better Christian. I am still learning, I have learnt that I will never be able to reach even close to almost perfect. What saddens me though, its the number of mistakes that I made over and over again before learning. And I am pretty sure I am still making those mistakes and will still continue to do so.

Reads...

After my finals in May, I got myself engrossed in reading.. Yup read, read. Something that
I enjoyed very much back when I was in primary and the early secondary school.


I started of by reading 'Why men don't have a clue, and women always need more shoes.' A light start, it being an ultimate guide to the opposite sex which I felt I was in need of at that time. This book doesn't really give an all insight to the complexities of the differences between opposite sex but it does give some good clues on how to deal with some problems pertaining your opposite sex.



Then I went on to one of the famous Dan Brown books, 'Angels and Demons.' This was one really huge adventure. It was pretty good and very intelligent of the author to be very creative and use especially the artworks in sculpture and architecture of renown artists in the renaissance age as clues to the whole chase. This read actually rekindled my interest in the renaissance time which I have always had an eye for since school days itself. I wished we were exposed to more of the works and the discoveries made during that era as a student. But the fact is we're not and we have to undertake our own research to fulfill out queries and interests as such.




Both these books are courtesy of Su Zhen which I have yet to return n I will do so asap when I'm back in KL..

By the end of these two reads, I was thirsty for more reading. To fulfill my new found free time and well to fulfill my imagination I would say and also always having something exciting to look forward to. ASTRO is now longer any different from local TV and a good book is certainly the only way to keep me seated down without feeling restless.

Amazingly I've also noticed that reading made me stayed at home more without feeling trapped, in fact feeling so peaceful and excited. Its wonderful what a bunch of written pages can do to u.. That's another way of looking at it.. LOL

We need more perak people!

PS: U can actually make money from these surveys. Well i do..
:-)

my personality info!