I gave everything, mentally and emotionally. I brought down my guards and walls slowly by slowly over the years.. My safety barriers. It might have felt good at some point, but later on I realised it was only used against me. I kept telling myself, I won't be able to find someone better. He loves me, I guess he probably did.. But not the kind of love I was looking for.. I wanted free, neverending, eternal, supportive, warm, trusting, comforting, carefree love. It was more of hot, lustful, cold, bitter, sweet, restrained, obliged, bonded love. He had expectations, its not that I never did. I think I did loved him for who he was but I just needed space, trust, and the freedom to be myself. He compared me to other women and wanted me to be more like them. Maybe its a valid expectation for some people, but it just hurts. I'm not loved for who I am but for what I am expected to be.
I value someone who is responsible, caring, understanding, faithful, trustworthy, which I do find he is at times. But, all that goes away when he gets angry and he lets it out on me. I then run to my friends which always backfires because they tell me things I didn't want to hear. So I chose not to hear. It just kept hurting and hurting. There were many times even when feeling hurt, I'd be hoping he would just say sorry so I could just run back to his arms. But again, more often that not, I was left dissappointed that I still ran back and just tried to forget the hurting inside.
I tried and I tried, but the hurting kept coming back with more painful words said. One whole week of torture, crying every night without fail because that person had hurt me and had been silent for a week. I was lost, and I was hurt. I had no idea what was going on. I thought he would say sorry for hurting me. I wanted him to say sorry and that he will never do that again. I was hoping and I was just waiting to run back to him. Just waiting. But it never happened, he was now angry at me for having a male friend to turn to.
14.07.11- I read a post on LoveGivesMeHope... I teared, I just wanted to call him and tell him how upset and angry I was.. I was thinking that just maybe....just maybe... he hasn't figured it out..
But... that's when it ended.
I would have ran back to him, if he just said sorry. I really would have....
Finally, I realised it... It hit me so hard in the head and in my heart. He didn't hurt me, he never did. It was me. Yes, me all along. I hurt myself. I kept slitting my wrist deeper and deeper. I allowed myself to experience that pain, if it wasn't for me, it wouldnt have happened. If only I had love myself more and treated myself better. It wasn't his fault nor anyone else just me and only me..
I don't want to see him anymore. It would just remind me of the wounds on my wrist. My 3 and a half year old wounds... "It wasn't supposed to end this way, I was supposed to be happy....." WRONG!
Love yourself more, Shaleni. You deserve a better you.
